From what I remember and from what I have been told (because I didn't not know the name of half the medications I was taking) I was taking medications for:
- ADD (Adderall; doses were constantly increased throughout the years; ended at 110mg)
- Depression (Prozac / Unknown / Unknown)
- Bi-Polar/Schizophrenia (Geodon; note: this drug can KILL you! The risks are much higher if you are under 18 years of age)
When you're that young (starting at age 10 and ending at age 15) and you're taking THAT many drugs and HIGH dosages, it is going to do this to you:
- Turn you into a practically mute zombie
- Make your emotions burst by the end of the day
- Screw up the chemicals in your body so you act strangely
In 5th grade (I had to repeat it in this new area because of the fail home schooling crap) no one understands when another classmate is on "drugs". They collectively shun the person or talk about how weird they are behind that child's back because they DON'T UNDERSTAND what it is like to be in that state of mind.
What is worse is that they pretend to be your friend in 5th grade- but once everyone shifts to middle school and their are older kids around and the new 6th graders want to impress them- they turn on you. They lash out and heckle you because you're a girl and you don't shave. Or because you don't talk to any of the cool kids. Or because you don't EVER bring a lunch to school. Or because you don't BUY your lunch at school. Because you have to sit there around your friends, the other outcasts, and hope they don;t finish your food. Or because you wait until everyone leaves the cafeteria and you dig through the trash BECAUSE YOUR DRUNK, COKED OUT FUCKED UP ON HEROINE "MOTHER" WON'T BUY FOOD FOR YOU!
So you are ridiculed for something you can't control. For something you don't understand because you are on so many drugs that you don't know what it going on around you. You stare at the floor, the wall or your desk everyday wondering why you are so hungry and yet you re overweight because when you DO get around food, you stuff yourself so full you think your stomach is going to rip open and splatter onto your torn up shoes because you don't know when you'll ever see food again.
In Middle School, I was the kid EVERYONE made fun of. My only regret is that I never fought back. I just sat there and took it. They made fun of me for thing I couldn't control:
What is worse is that they pretend to be your friend in 5th grade- but once everyone shifts to middle school and their are older kids around and the new 6th graders want to impress them- they turn on you. They lash out and heckle you because you're a girl and you don't shave. Or because you don't talk to any of the cool kids. Or because you don't EVER bring a lunch to school. Or because you don't BUY your lunch at school. Because you have to sit there around your friends, the other outcasts, and hope they don;t finish your food. Or because you wait until everyone leaves the cafeteria and you dig through the trash BECAUSE YOUR DRUNK, COKED OUT FUCKED UP ON HEROINE "MOTHER" WON'T BUY FOOD FOR YOU!
So you are ridiculed for something you can't control. For something you don't understand because you are on so many drugs that you don't know what it going on around you. You stare at the floor, the wall or your desk everyday wondering why you are so hungry and yet you re overweight because when you DO get around food, you stuff yourself so full you think your stomach is going to rip open and splatter onto your torn up shoes because you don't know when you'll ever see food again.
In Middle School, I was the kid EVERYONE made fun of. My only regret is that I never fought back. I just sat there and took it. They made fun of me for thing I couldn't control:
- Never having food
- Never having money (it is a rich neighborhood)
- Being a "prude" and a "virgin" (this one never bothered me)
- Being "Ugly" (I had a lot of acne, plain hair and I was overweight)
- Not hanging out with the cool kids (how can I do that when they hate me?)
- My horrible sense of style (which was bad because I didn't get to pick my clothes. I had what I was given and that was it)
So, in essence, I was made fun of for surviving. I survived my life without anyone's help and they made fun of me for it. School was nothing to me. It was a minor coping mechanism while I raced through my work, got all A's in record time and passed out on my desk after stuffing my face with trash. None of them knew the emotional toll they were putting on me which I really didn't need. They might never know what they have done to me and if I had the chance, I would confront all of them. Of course, now, they don't think anything of it. It was so far back in the past that it doesn't matter any more. Of course, that just proves how truly stupid they are. At those stages in a persons life, the way you treat a person can change them forever.
For me, all that has changed is that I will forever hate school. I'm not in college for multiple reasons but one of them is because it sets me on edge. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to be in classrooms. I don't want to stand up in front of a room of people to give a presentation that they don't care about. I don't want to waste my time and energy on people that I wouldn't care less about dead or alive because they're all already dead to me.
People have numbers until they prove their worth to me. So far, there is maybe a handful of people that have any worth to me in the least.
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