Middle School and Why it SUCKED for Me

From what I remember and from what I have been told (because I didn't not know the name of half the medications I was taking) I was taking medications for:

• ADD (Adderall; doses were constantly increased throughout the years; ended at 110mg)
• Depression (Prozac / Unknown / Unknown)
• Bi-Polar/Schizophrenia (Geodon; note: this drug can KILL you! The risks are much higher if you are under 18 years of age)
  

When you're that young (starting at age 10 and ending at age 15) and you're taking THAT many drugs and HIGH dosages, it is going to do this to you:

• Turn you into a practically mute zombie
• Make your emotions burst by the end of the day
• Screw up the chemicals in your body so you act strangely
  

In 5th grade (I had to repeat it in this new area because of the fail home schooling crap) no one understands when another classmate is on "drugs". They collectively shun the person or talk about how weird they are behind that child's back because they DON'T UNDERSTAND what it is like to be in that state of mind.

What is worse is that they pretend to be your friend in 5th grade- but once everyone shifts to middle school and their are older kids around and the new 6th graders want to impress them- they turn on you. They lash out and heckle you because you're a girl and you don't shave. Or because you don't talk to any of the cool kids. Or because you don't EVER bring a lunch to school. Or because you don't BUY your lunch at school. Because you have to sit there around your friends, the other outcasts, and hope they don;t finish your food. Or because you wait until everyone leaves the cafeteria and you dig through the trash BECAUSE YOUR DRUNK, COKED OUT FUCKED UP ON HEROINE "MOTHER" WON'T BUY FOOD FOR YOU!

So you are ridiculed for something you can't control. For something you don't understand because you are on so many drugs that you don't know what it going on around you. You stare at the floor, the wall or your desk everyday wondering why you are so hungry and yet you re overweight because when you DO get around food, you stuff yourself so full you think your stomach is going to rip open and splatter onto your torn up shoes because you don't know when you'll ever see food again.


In Middle School, I was the kid EVERYONE made fun of. My only regret is that I never fought back. I just sat there and took it. They made fun of me for thing I couldn't control:

• Never having food
• Never having money (it is a rich neighborhood)
• Being a "prude" and a "virgin" (this one never bothered me)
• Being "Ugly" (I had a lot of acne, plain hair and I was overweight)
• Not hanging out with the cool kids (how can I do that when they hate me?)
• My horrible sense of style (which was bad because I didn't get to pick my clothes. I had what I was given and that was it)
  

So, in essence, I was made fun of for surviving. I survived my life without anyone's help and they made fun of me for it. School was nothing to me. It was a minor coping mechanism while I raced through my work, got all A's in record time and passed out on my desk after stuffing my face with trash. None of them knew the emotional toll they were putting on me which I really didn't need. They might never know what they have done to me and if I had the chance, I would confront all of them. Of course, now, they don't think anything of it. It was so far back in the past that it doesn't matter any more. Of course, that just proves how truly stupid they are. At those stages in a persons life, the way you treat a person can change them forever.

For me, all that has changed is that I will forever hate school. I'm not in college for multiple reasons but one of them is because it sets me on edge. I don't want to be around people. I don't want to be in classrooms. I don't want to stand up in front of a room of people to give a presentation that they don't care about. I don't want to waste my time and energy on people that I wouldn't care less about dead or alive because they're all already dead to me.

People have numbers until they prove their worth to me. So far, there is maybe a handful of people that have any worth to me in the least.

Ontop of taking care of and raising myself, I had a younger sister to take care of. I watched her on my own after she learned how to walk. Thankfully I did not have to change diapers. I think I just lucked out on that one. It wasn't long before my sister was diagnosed with Autism. I raised an Autistic girl as a 7-8 year old child. I babysat, I fed, I played with her, I picked her up and held her when she was hurt. She was no longer my sister, she was my child. In a sense anyway. I never felt emotionally connected to her- I just took care of her. All the time.

Eventually, the "adults" divorced and split up. My responsibilities multiplied. There was one less able-bodied human in the equation- also the only world-capable person who could buy groceries, pay for bills, drive a car, ect. This was just one of the many stones that built my prison.


Just the three of us; The Ogre, an autistic girl and myself. We moved around for a few years. I was home schooled for a semester of 5th grade, which screwed up my "credits". No one technically taught me since the Ogre is always on night shift. Of course, I did ALL of my own work, picked up my sister from school every day, made lunch for her, made dinner for her AND helped her with her homework. But that wasn't good enough for public school.

We stopped moving after the Ogre got engaged (to a very handsome man) and they bought a house in a "high-brow" but not really neighborhood. This was also about the time (that I can recall) that I started to take medications from psychiatrists. I had already been going to a few therapists by then but I never talked to them about anything. At that point, I never really had anything to complain about. Plus, I was 8-12 years old. An 8-12 year old child doesn't really know what is going on. Not completely. Not enough to put all of the right words in the air.

Dads

So, back to the Father of my infancy who has just come to light in the recent years of my life.

1. I am a white female.
2. He is a puerto rican/chinese male.
3. I seriously thought I was black for like 5 years. (Because I was told he was from Jamaica; big stupid thing, anyway)
4. Eventually, the Ogre made me take a DNA test.
5. I never saw the results.
6. When my Father and I came into contact, he confirmed my fears that we were not blood related.
7. Note: The Ogre told me for a long time that he was my genetic father- which is where the pain comes from. LIESSS!!
8. He and I both agree that it doesn't matter. We still love each other the same.
9. Knowing who my genetic father is would be nice. It would just put things at ease and I might punch him in the face.

So, The Ogre ran off with me and I never saw him again.

Then, she remarried a mexican-american sap (Mexican Blood, born and raised in America) and they had a child together.

Now, when I was young, I was jealous of my sister because she got ALL the attention. Not just ALL the attention but ALL of HIS attention. That is pretty hard for a kid to live with. "You're not REALLY my daughter so... fuck off." Granted, it wasn't said like that but it FELT like that. Any attempts I made to bond with him (which were a LOT) were shot down. He was completely uninterested. He only paid attention to his daughter because she was LITTLE and NEEDED attention. OF course, the fact that he was young didn't help. They didn't really waste time making a baby. He had to be around 25, I suppose.

The Ogre, at that time, worked night shift. In fact- she works night shift throughout most of the story. Hey, why not? She doesn't have to look at her kids EVER during the day because she's SLEEPING and around this time I was outside a lot. That, and her HUSBAND could be the responsible adult. Of course, neither happened because he was a teacher at the time and he coached the...baseball?? Team. I am pretty sure he coached baseball. So I was left to take care of myself at age...what? 5?? I don't know the exact age but I DO know that I have been doing things on my own for a LONG time.

Now, I don't blame the husband, of that time, because I -technically- wasn't his responsibility. He DID help me out from time to time and he DID eventually bond with me but it just wasn't enough. It wasn't enough for me. I will never be fully satisfied with "parental figures" because I have high standards in everything in my life. This is also why I don't hang out with a lot of my friends or keep in touch with them- because they aren't perfect. But that's ok, I'm working on it. I can take people in small doses.

So, I am going to cut it off here and post more later.

Now, I am going to further the details on the bloodline- or lack there of.


I am, what you would call, a "bastard". Ohoho- but that's not it! I am also the product of an orgy!

Isn't that great? An unmarried-or just uncommitted for that matter- woman gets her brains fucked in an orgy and she doesn't know who got her pregnant. HM. Process of elimination? No, no because people are really fucking STUPID.

Now, before we get all hasty, I DO have a father. I actually have 2. One that was there while I was an infact and an ex-step-father.

Now, history about the father that was around when I was an infant. As far as I know, he was awesome. The Ogre decided to run off after I turned 1 and told him to stay away. He agreed to do so.

Before I continued: GOOD NEWS! I have just recently come into contact with this man. We have been sending emails back and forth. It is very emotional, stressful and TERRIFYING.

Continuing on: He told me about a year ago that he agreed (when the Ogre ran off) that he would stay out of my life as long as The Ogre could do a better job of taking care of me than he could.

RED FLAG! She can't do SHIT! Plus- she would NEVER ask for help- until later which you will all eventually read.

Of course, he is still baffled and torn from the information I told him about a year ago.

I am going to let that sink in and I will add more later.

The Ogre

Alright, before we start, we need to get one thing straight.

I will be referring to one of the main characters as "The Ogre". Now, the reason for this is because the "proper" word that would normally be used for this person has a very specific definition and "The Ogre" does NOT meet the requirements for said definition.


The Ogre: The being whose vagina I regrettably did not tear in half while completing Phase 1 of my 17-18 year long escape plan.

Definition: Mother; A female "parent" or "adult" who takes care of or cares for another human being (generally a child).

Definition: Parent; a responsible adult who meets the needs of a child.

Definition: Adult; a mature human being.


Unfortunately, The Ogre is NOT an adult. It is NOT a parent. It does NOT care about anyone but itself.


The Term "The Ogre" was coined by my soul mate/best friend Stranger.


Now, for a visual of the Ogre think this: Brittney Spears with Courtney Loves habits. It would be like if they both had an insane, deranged baby coked out on drugs a toddler couldn't even begin to pronounce.

Let's Get This Shit Started

I sort of decided to try to document some of the events that have happened in my life. I tried sharing this information on some of the forum sites that I frequent and I sudenly decided that I didn't want to brood in a place that I try use as an escape mechanism. So, I made this crappyassblog.


Now, be forewarned that I might not post in here too often. While nothing, and yes I mean NOTHING goes on in my life right now because I am a jobless insomniac with nothing to do. No. Really. I ran out of TV shows to watch on Netflix. Anyway, while nothing is really going on- I just don't like to look at this. I don't want to feel obligated to rant EVERY DAY and ty to remember crap I am trying so hard to suppress or just get over.


I am saying this as a disclaimer: I am no longer in the situation I was plagued with for almost all of my life. However, certain things that happen to a person don't just go away overnight (or 2 years, but I am kicking ass as it is just by being alive and all) So... yeah. Grab some popcorn and when all of my RP partners are offline, I might start to fill everyone in. Because you don't care. -nod-